Friday, February 26, 2016

Root Canal - HIV- & a Mammogram

Alright. Let's start this post with Thanking God for all his wonderful mercies and grace. This month I got a root canal, tested negative for HIV and had to get a mammogram for a lump in my breast. Which was found to be benign. Talk about an emotional beginning to the new year. So it had been a few years since I last tested myself for stds. Yea I know, I should have been more diligent with that. Although I've been celibate for the past two years, prior to that I wasn't. So I connected with a close friend this week who encouraged me to get tested, and so I did. To be truly candid this had been a weight pulling me down, that I had pushed way back in my mind. I just couldn't come to terms with the possibilities of the results. Which is valid but crazy. The worse thing to do, is to ignore an issue. The more educated you are about things, health in this instance, the more empowered you become in making better decisions. To be even more transparent, being an adult sucks, lmao. Ok, seriously it does, ha.

I digress. After the month is all said and done, and the news or outcome has been Good. I'm tired. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Going through the process, emotions, and anxiety really takes a toll on you. Through it all, I definitely got a sense of my mortality. And imagine I have a fairly decent relationship with God. But during that process of the unknown, I felt tortured. I tried to get closer to God, by doing my usual - listening to the Bible, speaking to God, reminding myself that with him there's peace... But in the midst of it, fear and anxiety took hold of me.

This isn't easy, no one ever said life would be. But I can't imagine what that walk would be like without God. I just can't. I fell to pieces and I'm so grateful that I have the ultimate companion walking beside me. I'm so blessed beyond measure. It's got nothing to do with material things. It's my spirit. Don't get caught up in the fluff.

So I feel I have to address the two levels of torture I felt. With the lump in my breast I felt helpless. I kept asking God, this can't be it. You have the final say, like please don't let this be. I felt more like a victim. With the HIV test I felt guilt and shame, more along the lines of my actions are causing this. In a sense a justified punishment. And I'm not too sure how to address either especially the latter. But I'll focus on it. Through the crucifixion of Jesus we were made whole. Our Past, Current, and Future sins were forgiven, and we have received salvation and are in relationship with God. When God forgives you of your sins, he doesn't hold on to it. In fact for his sake (I'd say more for ours), he forgets them. So while I was waiting for my results, I was punishing myself, and reliving the guilt and shame of my sins over and over again; judging and condemning myself. When the truth of the matter is, that God has forgiven me, a long time ago. Before I was even born, on that cross.

And although I want to end this blog by saying, if its God's will that I were diagnosed in either or both cases with an illness, even after repenting (if I needed to repent for any sins known or unknown), I can't because I 'd be lying. I take authority over my health, and reject all iniquities and infirmities and arrows shot towards me, or deposits made into me by the enemy. That is not my portion.

I'm not sure if this post helped anyone. But I want to thank my family for their support, and friends who were open with me in discussing things they've gone through health-wise. Their transparency gave me strength.


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